I'm still recovering, not feeling 100 per cent yet. I'd say I feel 83.7 per cent. Of course. What if it was the other way around? It would seem like something was weird.
Anyway, a lot of my resolutions and "new ways" and grand ambitions have been put on hold a bit. I have to finish sending out calendars and writing back to people and cleaning up. I'm still letting myself have the big surgery excuse. But not for long.
Sunday, January 31, 2010
Thursday, January 21, 2010
Birthday
Note: I wrote this, but forgot to post it, on my birthday, January 19.
I keep trying to write longer and longer stuff on facebook, not to mention twitter, which those formats just aren’t for. Whatever their good points and drawbacks, they don’t work as a diary, for me. So I decided I should work on this journal more...
I woke up with a really vivid and weird dream on Martin Luther King holiday, and thought about the word dream and I was compelled to read the text of his “I had a dream” speech which is of course as good as you remember it but better. Plus, just interesting, and interesting to try to think about what it might have felt living here in 1963.
Of course, I was living in 1963, I was three years old. Today, incidentally is my 50th birthday, which means, I guess, I’ve been here for fifty years now. You could say I’m beginning my sixth decade, if you want to make me feel even older.
But I don’t feel old. Or rather, I’ve felt old for a long, long time now—since I was twelve at least, or maybe 14 anyway. But I don’t feel much older now. I’ve had physical ailments pretty much spaced out all that time, but I’ve recovered pretty well. I feel like I keep learning stuff, but that doesn’t make me think I was a former dumbass or anything. I don’t think that I have to necessarily start acting a different way now, though at any point I might decide to start acting a different way or try to reinvent myself someway—but just because I can, not because it’s expected of me.
I don’t feel like I’m at all satisfied with what I’ve done in my life, but no matter what I do, I don’t ever expect to feel that way. You look at what could be considered some people’s accomplishments and say, holy shit, what must they think when they think about themselves? Do they go, “I’ve sure done a lot! I should just take it easy now.” Most likely those people are people who are never satisfied, and that’s why they do so much. But then, maybe they do get to some point where they say, “I’ve done enough. I’m just going to take walks and smell the smells of the world and live in the moment and relax.” Good for them if they feel that way, no matter what they’ve done or haven’t done—like that stuff can really be measured anyway. Good for me, too, if I ever feel that way.
I keep trying to write longer and longer stuff on facebook, not to mention twitter, which those formats just aren’t for. Whatever their good points and drawbacks, they don’t work as a diary, for me. So I decided I should work on this journal more...
I woke up with a really vivid and weird dream on Martin Luther King holiday, and thought about the word dream and I was compelled to read the text of his “I had a dream” speech which is of course as good as you remember it but better. Plus, just interesting, and interesting to try to think about what it might have felt living here in 1963.
Of course, I was living in 1963, I was three years old. Today, incidentally is my 50th birthday, which means, I guess, I’ve been here for fifty years now. You could say I’m beginning my sixth decade, if you want to make me feel even older.
But I don’t feel old. Or rather, I’ve felt old for a long, long time now—since I was twelve at least, or maybe 14 anyway. But I don’t feel much older now. I’ve had physical ailments pretty much spaced out all that time, but I’ve recovered pretty well. I feel like I keep learning stuff, but that doesn’t make me think I was a former dumbass or anything. I don’t think that I have to necessarily start acting a different way now, though at any point I might decide to start acting a different way or try to reinvent myself someway—but just because I can, not because it’s expected of me.
I don’t feel like I’m at all satisfied with what I’ve done in my life, but no matter what I do, I don’t ever expect to feel that way. You look at what could be considered some people’s accomplishments and say, holy shit, what must they think when they think about themselves? Do they go, “I’ve sure done a lot! I should just take it easy now.” Most likely those people are people who are never satisfied, and that’s why they do so much. But then, maybe they do get to some point where they say, “I’ve done enough. I’m just going to take walks and smell the smells of the world and live in the moment and relax.” Good for them if they feel that way, no matter what they’ve done or haven’t done—like that stuff can really be measured anyway. Good for me, too, if I ever feel that way.
Saturday, January 16, 2010
Surgery
I'm at home right now recovering from hernia surgery. It feels kind of weird to have had this surgery, because the situation wasn't quite dire yet-- I mean it was troublesome and uncomfortable, but not immediately life threatening-- but still I made the decision to allow someone to cut into me with a blade, or scalpel, or Martha Stewart Santoku knife, or whatever they use. I know that some people have surgery ALL THE TIME. I can't imagine it. For me, it's incredibly hard just to have to go a week without walking, to have to take pain pills, and to get out of my regular schedule. Sure, it's nice to not have to go to my job for a few days, and have more time to read. And I'm finding time, obviously, to write THIS. But I would trade in an awful lot-- maybe even my 3-D triple action Pete Rose/Darryl Strawberry/Steve Sax baseball card-- for perfect health and an uninterrupted, creative, writing schedule.
Monday, January 4, 2010
Happy 2010!
I wonder if it is tormenting people to say "happy new year" all the time if there are bad things going on in their lives. I don't know... at least it makes more sense to me than "happy holidays" and "Merry Christmas." At least it is an expression that could be saying, "have a better year this year." Have hope for the future, and since none of us know what is going to happen in the future, why not?
I'm busy making those usual, yearly, soon-to-fail resolutions, and will continue to be throughout the year. I should pretty much be smart enough by now to give up on the idea of ever being organized. What does that even mean, anyway? I'm all for increasing simplicity, but I'm also, always, for increasing complication. I guess the more complication I take on, the more simplicity I also have to take on to keep the complication from becoming overwhelming.
I started this journal to try to write something frequently, in order to make up for the lack of letter writing, emailing, phone calls, and other communication I have a lack of. I guess I'll see if I can put this to use this year.
Happy new year!
I'm busy making those usual, yearly, soon-to-fail resolutions, and will continue to be throughout the year. I should pretty much be smart enough by now to give up on the idea of ever being organized. What does that even mean, anyway? I'm all for increasing simplicity, but I'm also, always, for increasing complication. I guess the more complication I take on, the more simplicity I also have to take on to keep the complication from becoming overwhelming.
I started this journal to try to write something frequently, in order to make up for the lack of letter writing, emailing, phone calls, and other communication I have a lack of. I guess I'll see if I can put this to use this year.
Happy new year!
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