Randy Russell Newsletter

December 2013

It's been awhile since I sent an email newsletter. 

As usual, if you don't want to receive this, contact me and I'll remove you from my mailing list. 

I didn't make a calendar last year (for 2013) and I didn't make one for 2014. 
So if you haven't received a calendar, it's not because I left you out, it's because I am no longer making them. I just haven't had the time. I may or may not make calendars in the future.

I would like to stay in touch via mail.

For now, I can be reached at this address:

Randy Russell 
c/o Library Films

220 E. Buffalo St. #400

Milwaukee WI 53202

I moved back to Milwaukee in the summer and I have no other plans yet, except to find a job. If you know anything about jobs in Milwaukee, please contact me!

This fall I have been working on Frankie Latina's movie, Snap Shot, which should be completed sometime next year.

You can see the Instagram page for Snap Shot here

I think it will be a pretty great movie, and I'll have more information in upcoming newsletters. 

My Instagram page is here

My most immediate plan is to revise my novel, The Doughnuts, and make it available electronically, through kindle store, in four parts. 

The best thing I have ever written and completed is my book Nine Lies, which is available here

My website is here

My new phone number is 414-412-2455

Happy holidays, 

Randy

Self-Employment Idea #1

I have come up with an idea for self-employment that will save me from having to get a job, and the idea came to me while job hunting, and the idea is this: I will start a job hunting website!

Here’s how it will work: I will take all of the job openings (most of which I’m not qualified for) that are being sent to me by email (because I’m registered on some job boards) and I’ll post them on my job website. If anyone wants to charge me for these job leads, I’ll offer them deferred payment. I will scour the internet for job listings, and build up my website. I’ll offer these leads for sale to other job websites, and if anyone takes them without paying, I’ll sue them (and offer my attorney deferred payment).  I’ll also regularly post these job leads on Craigslist and other job hunting boards, but change the reply email to MY email so that when job hunters reply to the ads, I can then email them a link to my job hunting website. I’ll build up a huge mailing list.

Soon I’ll be able to hire someone to sell ads on my website and someone to scour the internet for more job postings. I’ll also hire a web design person to hide links all over the webpage that will take job hunters to my sponsors. Maybe put on a fake ad of something visually hideous, like something that looks like a tropical insect regurgitating its own organs, so that unsuspecting job hunters will click frantically to escape (and I’ll design the page to move around all herky-jerky, too, so it’s hard to aim your mouse clicks) and inadvertently be directed to my sponsors. Because that’s how I make my money and pay my employees—well, I’ll offer them deferred payment for a while, until I know they’re going to stick around. I’ll also consider using unpaid interns.

Finally, or maybe first, I’ll have to give my job website a catchy name in order to differentiate it from all the crap websites I’m stealing my job postings from (Bright, CareerBuilder, JobMonster, TechSolutions, LogisticsJobsite, SmarterPays, JobThunder, WorkNowAmerica, JobNauseum…) For mine, I’m thinking of something like CareerTrumpr, or JobPsycho, if one of those isn’t taken.

Ass Milk

A recent breakfast brought me face to face with a grand mystery, a maddening enigma, a real head-scratcher. Glenview Farms Non-Dairy Creamer is labeled with an immediate warning: "Contains: MILK." Now... I probably don't need to continue... but I will. It also says: "Not labeled for individual sale"—so assuming you are considering putting this product into your coffee, you are now on your own. If you are lactose intolerant, can or can't you put it in your coffee? Is it kosher or not? Well, it contains milk, it gives you that, at least. For the gluten-intolerant, like me, you are not able to determine if it contains certain wheat-derived items, which is why I usually avoid non-dairy creamer (besides the fact that it tastes like shit). Besides milk, what does this particular "non-dairy" creamer contain?

The next question is, naturally,  if it IS non-dairy, how can it contain milk? Could that mean other kinds of milk? Soy milk, rice milk, coconut milk, Milk of Magnesia? Or maybe it's human mother's milk... would that be considered non-dairy? And is that something we want to consider? It's printed in all caps, so maybe it's an acronym? Moments of Intimacy, Laughter, and Kinship? But how would they get that into that little container. And why?

Perhaps the major clue is the company name, "Glenview Farms," in a down-home kind of font... but then below: Distributed by US Foods, Inc., Rosemont, IL. You know that there is no quaint little Glenview Farm with happy cows and milkmaids. This is serious, hardcore factory farming, and US Foods is one of the largest food distributors in the country. Even more ominous, their headquarters address is Rosement, Illinois, which is a part of Chicago, bordering on O'Hare Airport runways. Rosemont consists of some random, hideous structures surrounded by surface parking lots, all under a massive tangle of freeway interchanges—a place that has been called, with good reason, "The Asshole of the World." I guess I'll drink my coffee black.